In a surprising, and ironic turn of events, today, on the southern coast of England, 250 re-born Christians had to be forcibly restrained by police as ugly scenes threatened to turn the quiet fishing village of Slumgullet-by-the Sea into a religious battleground.
The focus of this zealous evangelical ire? A 32 year old man who claims he is the reincarnation of Jesus.
Yes, you read that correctly, Jesus.
Reginald Littlebottom of no fixed ability, is currently under police protection while Christian hard-liners continue their protest outside the local police station.
Normally, such spurious nonsense would be laughed at and barely make a ripple in the sea. However, local fisherman, Peter Stickleback, started making waves after he claimed Mister Littlebottom, walked over the water to haul him out of the sea, just as he was about to be hurled against the breakwater after falling out of his fishing boat.
“Bloody miracle, I’m telling you. There I was, pitched outta me boat just past the point, with no chance in hell, ‘scuse my French, of making it back to shore. Y’know what the current is like out there, right? Yeah, well, I spies this bloke and at first I thinks he must be on a jet-ski or something. Then I sees he’s walking on the water. Yeah, you heard me right, on the water!
“Anyhow, he gets to where I’m floundering about, grabs my hand and drags me back to the beach.”
And there were over 500 eyewitnesses to this amazing event; spectators gathered on the beach during Slumgullet’s annual Surf and Shark Festival.
It is also claimed that the blind son of local magistrate, Willoughby Parsimony, regained his sight after Mister Littlebottom, “Just call me Reg” administered a timely ding alongside the ear after he caught the boy attempting to steal some of his fish.
Said Reg: “I was handing out some fish for the poor, like, when this little sod tries to make off with a nice piece of haddock. I reckon he soon saw the error of his ways and a whole lot more besides, thank Me.”
Local brothel owner, Meg Delanney-Göttlaid added her voice to the increasing number of people claiming Reg is definitely the New Messiah.
“He spent the night with me and I can vouchsafe that he cured me of a number of minor occupational hazards.”
When asked if she thought this was the second coming she replied,
“Definitely, but he went to sleep afterwards, poor man. He was exhausted.”
Re-born again Christians are adamant that Reg must be charged with blasphemy and jailed for impersonating a prophet.
Meanwhile, about five thousand people are scheduled to arrive in Slumgullet-by-the sea over the weekend.
Local Mayor, Hovis Smallbread, when asked about the logistics of feeding such a multitude said: “No worries. Our Reg’ll take care of it, you see if he doesn’t.”
Spokesperson for the re-born Christians, Felicity Yumyum Goodbody, currently lodging at the village’s only inn, The Crown o’Thorns, said: “We can’t have people like this running around, talking about the second-coming, and claiming they can do miracles and what have you. What sort of moral lesson is this supposed to say to our children? No! I’m sorry, but the real Jesus would never appear in a smelly little backwater village that nobody had ever heard of. The real Messiah just would not do that. In fact, the idea is preposterous. This man must be prosecuted. Or failing that, committed”
Reg meanwhile, plans to open a wine-shop after being offered a partnership by French businessman and former viticulturist, Jean le Baptiste who has three million bottles of spring water that he can’t get rid of.