Re-Run for a few smiles :Computer Operating System for Christians.

Calling all Christian Computer owners!!!

It’s here! The Update for the Christian operating –system: Jesus 10.1 with Mega Church Graphics Card.

Will also work with an apple. ( Not reccomended for women)

Standard features still include: Fully compatible for older models. For your children: The latest Mel & Robertson  indoctrination kit, with actual graphics showing actual humans and actual dinosaurs living peacefully together (William Lane Craig approved and fully endorsed by Ken Ham). Includes Four versions of Hell ( From the gentle,  Aw, shame to the completely uncensored WTF!!!)  and up to six hundred fulfilled prophecies. Guaranteed no mention of genocides.

Pre-installed spyware (keeps track even when you go to the toilet, so watch where you put those hands!) and includes friendly anti-common sense and real science virus firewall.

Reminder: Keeps out all well-known Malware such as Dawkinsbot 2000, Hitchins101, SensibleSamHarris. Special feature: Runs silently in the background and will nip scientism in the bud! Identifies most major threatening words including, Billions of years, Evolution, Fossils and Human Genome Project.

Plus, a whole Host of popular games such as:

Lake Tiberius Pedestrian – can you get your man-god across the water without a dunking?

Hyskos Invaders – classic line ‘em up and shoot ‘em down game with super-duper Egyptian hieroglyphic style graphics. Customize your own battle chariot and fully armoured Stegosaurus!

Exodus. Choose to play either Moses or Joshua and see if you can get 2 million people across the desert or butcher your way through Canaan. Including lifelike plagues,genocides, rape as much as you like –including goats for the adventurous. Bonus: Do-it-your-self-circumcision kit.

And that’s not all!!!! Get maximum points while negotiating with Pharoah and as an added bonus you get to see and hear all those Egyptian kids writh in anger as Yahweh smites the little Gypo bastards!

Crucify Jesus of Nazareth. All-time favourite. Can you make it through jam packed downtown Jerusalem during Good Friday? You have to track down Joseph of Aramathea, mug a Roman Centurion, steal his spear, find the dozen hidden nails and the 5lb hammer before Jesus reaches Calvary? If you fail, Jesus goes free and never gets the chance to resurrect thus destroying Christianity for ever. Will you be the one to strike that killer blow?

Brand New 3D version. You’ll believe you are actually there. Superb graphics and awesome sound effects. Makes the Mel Gibson version look like an afternoon fishing trip on Lake Galilee. Fun for the whole family.

And there’s still more !!

Coming Soon! If one of your former sins was spendong too much time looking at naughty sites then for the paltry price of one more humiliating public confession you will receive the Resserection Package – an entire years’ supply of wholesome pictures of fully clothed Muslim Women!

Make sure you attend church and bible class regularly to ensure you receive up to the minute inculcation downloads from your god’s authorized representative.

p.s. He’s the one at the front of the hall behind the pulpit wearing the dress and the funny hat.

Jesus 10.1 Copyright© Constantine & Helena Productions.™

Beware of imitations.

 

 

Ark.

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22 comments

  1. Only one thing missing. The authentic, blessed by the pastor of your choice, full color, non bleeding paper, prayer mat, depicting the life of Jesus and all of his apostles in full color. Signed.

    Download available for all current operating systems.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Hilarious. There’s also a new pre qualification auto fill registration form for sinners with extended credit. I’ve already countered with a “get out of jesus free” card for all those who prefer to write their own codes.

    Liked by 5 people

  3. “Dawkinsbot.” He he. There is an actual “spyware” type program for Christian men called covenant eyes. You download it on your computer, and you choose your “accountability partner.” He or she receives a full, weekly report of all of your computer activitiy. Once you’re in, it’s very hard to turn off.

    Liked by 8 people

  4. I love this. Talk about your Melware ( normal’s call it malware and it is a hazard to proper operating ) Speaking of the do it your self circumcision kit, have you seen the movie “Year One”? It is rather funny in a 6th grade giggle at sexual hints stuff. Here is a link you may find funny. Hugs

    Liked by 6 people

  5. I’m taking a break from watching what looks like another ‘free energy’ site.

    I’m just past the flying single seater chariot thing powered by apparently thousands of bug wings. And I like his defying of gravity with the gyroscopic weights on a stick (I had a lot of fun with things like these when I was a kid) (oops, not the bugged chariot though).

    Dammit … now I’ve forgotten the connection between this post and that site …

    Liked by 4 people

  6. Don’t forget to buy our brand new Anti-Arkware made by Mel and Branyan to keep all those pesky bloggers like Ark, Jim, JZ and PT etc from corrupting your computer and your children

    It will only cost you 10% of your salary

    Liked by 1 person

    • Christians never cease to amaze me … what do they want with a pile of bullock bones and stuff? But they’ll take anything they can get their grasping little paws on—”widow’s mites” especially; it all adds up.

      Liked by 2 people

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