Calling all Christian Computer owners!!!
It’s here! The Update for the Christian operating –system: Jesus 10.1 with Mega Church Graphics Card.
Will also work with an apple. ( Not reccomended for women)
Standard features still include: Fully compatible for older models. For your children: The latest Mel & Robertson indoctrination kit, with actual graphics showing actual humans and actual dinosaurs living peacefully together (William Lane Craig approved and fully endorsed by Ken Ham). Includes Four versions of Hell ( From the gentle, Aw, shame to the completely uncensored WTF!!!) and up to six hundred fulfilled prophecies. Guaranteed no mention of genocides.
Pre-installed spyware (keeps track even when you go to the toilet, so watch where you put those hands!) and includes friendly anti-common sense and real science virus firewall.
Reminder: Keeps out all well-known Malware such as Dawkinsbot 2000, Hitchins101, SensibleSamHarris. Special feature: Runs silently in the background and will nip scientism in the bud! Identifies most major threatening words including, Billions of years, Evolution, Fossils and Human Genome Project.
Plus, a whole Host of popular games such as:
Lake Tiberius Pedestrian – can you get your man-god across the water without a dunking?
Hyskos Invaders – classic line ‘em up and shoot ‘em down game with super-duper Egyptian hieroglyphic style graphics. Customize your own battle chariot and fully armoured Stegosaurus!
Exodus. Choose to play either Moses or Joshua and see if you can get 2 million people across the desert or butcher your way through Canaan. Including lifelike plagues,genocides, rape as much as you like –including goats for the adventurous. Bonus: Do-it-your-self-circumcision kit.
And that’s not all!!!! Get maximum points while negotiating with Pharoah and as an added bonus you get to see and hear all those Egyptian kids writh in anger as Yahweh smites the little Gypo bastards!
Crucify Jesus of Nazareth. All-time favourite. Can you make it through jam packed downtown Jerusalem during Good Friday? You have to track down Joseph of Aramathea, mug a Roman Centurion, steal his spear, find the dozen hidden nails and the 5lb hammer before Jesus reaches Calvary? If you fail, Jesus goes free and never gets the chance to resurrect thus destroying Christianity for ever. Will you be the one to strike that killer blow?
Brand New 3D version. You’ll believe you are actually there. Superb graphics and awesome sound effects. Makes the Mel Gibson version look like an afternoon fishing trip on Lake Galilee. Fun for the whole family.
And there’s still more !!
Coming Soon! If one of your former sins was spendong too much time looking at naughty sites then for the paltry price of one more humiliating public confession you will receive the Resserection Package – an entire years’ supply of wholesome pictures of fully clothed Muslim Women!
Make sure you attend church and bible class regularly to ensure you receive up to the minute inculcation downloads from your god’s authorized representative.
p.s. He’s the one at the front of the hall behind the pulpit wearing the dress and the funny hat.
Beware of imitations.