In a children’s Religious Studies class somewhere …
‘And lo, the children of Mo Sez will return to the land once more, disenfranchising the godless heathens and sinners as commanded by the Lawd. And they shall trample through fields of goats droppings. And the corn will bend aside in their passing, for is it not written: If you can bend one ear, you can bend ’em all?
‘But, be fearful, oh wandering ones, for as the yolk returneth to the egg, so shall the salt returneth to the seller. Especially around breakfast.
‘So heedeth the word and when the fruit from thine lions …’
A hand shot up. The class held its collective breath. Pastor Dribbly Tailgater did not like being interrupted.
‘Egbert Snotbinder isn’t it?’
‘Well? What is it boy?’ he snapped.
‘Shouldn’t that be loins, sir?’
Pastor Tailgater dropped his gaze to the passage in question then looked up sharply.
‘It says, lions, Snotbinder. Are you questioning the Word, boy?’
‘Well, er, yes, sir. That word.’
‘Not word, boy. The Word. These are the Words of the Mighty!’
‘I thought they were the words of the Prophet Eyes-Higher, sir?’
‘Well, yes, of course they are the words of Eyes-Higher. But they were inspired by the Mighty.’
‘So what does it mean, sir? Please, sir?’
‘Mean, boy? Mean? It doesn’t have to mean anything. It is Holy. You, and the rest of the second-rate frog-spawn must simply obey.’
‘So, how exactly do you get fruit from a lion, sir?’
‘Very carefully, of course! How the hell do you think? Now, shut up!’
Snotbinder turned to the boy sitting next to him and whispered.
‘Well, if I tramped in our house with my feet covered in goat shit, our mum would bend my ear too. As for that lion; I’d call our dad and it’d be a hearth rug toot-sweet.’