Religion vs Relationship.

Dedicated to “Followers” everywhere. You know who you are ! 

‘Good morning, Mr Bottomly,’

‘Please, Ark, call me Reg.’

‘Reg. Am I correct in saying that you have now formerly dropped all religion and have become a Follower?’

‘Yes. That is correct.’

‘With a capital ‘F’, I note?’

‘Yes.’

‘A Follower, in fact, of your chair?’

‘Yes. And as a mark of respect we prefer to use a capital ‘C’, thank you.’

‘You could tell I was speaking in lower case?

‘Yes, Ark, I heard a slight inflection of scepticism.’

‘Hmm. So exactly what is a Chair Follower, Reg, and how are they truly different from every other user of chairs? Sorry should that be Chairs?’

‘No, chairs is fine in this case as it refers to those who abide by chair religion.’

‘Amazing. There is a chair religion?’

‘Many in fact. And they all follow chair doctrine laid out by the manufacturers: how to sit, where to put the chair, what colour will bring the most harmony into your life, why it must not face this door or that window. So many rules, and all man-made.’

‘Isn’t that a bit sexist, calling it man-made?’

‘Oh, sorry, Ark. Man in this case is simply short for manufacturers.’

‘Aaah, so you are a Follower? How exactly does this work? I notice that your chair has castors. Do you push it around your office then chase after it?’

‘Ha, ha, Ark. No need to be sarcastic! Actually what a Chair Follower has is a Relationship. The capital here is optional. I just prefer it.’

‘So you are in a Relationship with your Chair?’

‘Not exactly in a Relationship, but rather having a Relationship. It’s difficult to explain to a sceptic as it involves faith.  Essentially it looks after me during my time at work by helping my posture, cradling my buttocks and cushioning my … er …’

‘Your nuts, Reg?’

‘I resent that implication! How dare you, Ark. I am as sane as the next man!’

‘No, Reg. I didn’t mean you are nuts … I meant your nuts, as in your balls.’

‘Oh! Ha-ha, sorry. I got a bit carried away there. I just don’t feel comfortable with such language.’

‘How about testi—’

‘Or that, thank you very much.’

‘Um… well …how about your Testimonium Flavianums?

‘Yes, how very apt! Referred to by a noted historian and having somewhat divine properties.’

Ark thinks: Or, rejected by most as having no substance and merely a fraudulent interpolation.

‘Well, thanks very much for your time, Reg. I’ll let you get back to your Relationship.’

‘My pleasure, Ark. And if ever you feel open to a Relationship with your Chair, let me know and I will help in whatever way I can.’

Ark.

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30 thoughts on “Religion vs Relationship.

    1. You, are, in fact, glued to your chair … sorry Chair , in fascination.
      Alas, arise, Dear Roda and go forth and maketh some tea. Be glued no more. In fact, be like the Chair Followers and become completely un-glued.
      😉

      Liked by 3 people

    1. Happy it brought a smile. I know it will have more meaning to those directly involved and be funnier to those who have left it all behind.
      The Chair Followers do indeed cover their arses!
      🙂

      Like

  1. So what is heaven like for Chair followers? Do they get to slide around the streets of gold on their castors while praising the manufacturer?

    Like

  2. Hang on.

    Shouldn’t the worshiping involve some invisible divine Chair entity that is the Father of all chairs, of which yours or mine is but a poor facsimile? And isn’t it to be understood – appropriately taught to children everywhere – that it is through these poor facsimiles of the real Chair (and evidence for It) that we then and only then recognize our covenant with the Great Chair Himself (it’s gotta be a He, after all, because, well, just because)… a covenant we should honour every time we sit in one? It should be understood that it is only through accepting this covenant that then allows us to have a special – yet oh so humble – personal relationship with the Invisible Father Chair Himself. Yada, yada, yada…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. No no. You can’t go on like this telling us about Ideas of the Great Chair of which our chairs are just representation. Blasphemy. You are making all chairs small gods.

      Like

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