It has often been suggested that I have little or no tolerance of religion. This, of course, is far from the truth.
I have endless tolerance of religion. If I did not, why waste my time reading the bible for example, which is full of mystery, intrigue, humour, murder, fantasy, outright lies and just enough deviant sexual behavior and debauchery to convince even the most casual reader that Yahweh has a wicked sense of humour.
And from what I have noticed in his other inspired work, the Qur’an proves that He was no ‘One Hit Wonder’.
This lofty tome, so replete in wonderful stories including Jihad, and animal husbandry –which is not quite what it became amongst genuine farmers – provides endless inspiration when I am sitting on the loo and has oft helped with the occasional bout of constipation.
No. My intolerance is usually directed at the devout followers of said religions who have little or no true understanding of the literary works Yahweh supposedly inspired.
(In the case of the Ten Commandments, of course, these he….oops, He wrote Himself.)
This is aptly demonstrated by the amount of religious schisms that abound; over 35,000 Christian ones for a kick off. And the ‘Truth’ they extol is backed up by almost as many ‘totally authentic’ religious texts.
Well, here is a copy of an eyewitness account faithfully recorded by a trustworthy source. It is similar in fashion to those other eyewitnesses who were responsible for the New Testament.
It was rescued from a library in ancient Rome after the fire that Nero blamed on the Christians.
Read on and be enlightened.
Septimus Rectumus rolled up the scroll and handed it back to his secretary who took the proffered document with a smug, self-satisfied look.
‘Is that it?’ Septimus asked suspiciously.’
‘Yes, sir,’ replied Squintingus Theologus.
‘It’s a load of farking hogwash. Who’d believe such goats’ crap? It’s ridiculous.’ Septimus said dismissively.
‘With all due respect, sir.’
‘That’s the whole point, isn’t it? The Jews’ll go spare.’
‘Not Jew, sir. Due. And we have already had tentative discussions with several high ranking Jewish leaders.’
‘Initially, they said go fly a Kyte.’
‘Well, there you are then.’
‘So we offered crucifixion as an alternative,’ Squintingus added..
‘You plan to hang some poor sod from a tree; one of their own no less, just to get this stupid bloody plan off the ground and they agreed, for the gods’ sake?’ Septimus was incredulous. ‘Who is it?’
‘Who is what, sir?’
‘The suicidal kite flyer or whatever you call him.’
‘Oh. Sorry, sir. You misunderstand. We don’t plan to actually execute anyone. But we will start a rumour saying we have. Organize some witnesses…oh, maybe twelve and a few hangers on.’
“What a load of crud. And you say the Jews are considering this? Really?’
‘Yes, sir. We have offered them they’re own homeland and…’
‘They already have their own homeland. That’s what we’re out here fighting the bastards over, in case you had forgotten. Remember Masala?’
‘I think it was called Massada, sir,’ Squintingus corrected politely.
‘Massada, Masala. Who cares? It got Hot as Hades fighting them over it. And then the idiots went and committed mass suicide. Dammit! Bastards didn’t even leave our troops five minutes R and P. Ungrateful sods.’
‘Er…R & P, sir?’ Squintingus asked, his brow furrowing in confusion.
‘Rape and Pillage, man. Rape and Pillage. That’s the trouble with you non-military types. No idea how to fight a proper war. Besides, this so called plan is all about love and peace. What a crock of sh…’
‘Enforced by the state for non-compliance,’ Squintingus added quickly.
Septimus paused and a wry smile began to play across his lips.
‘Enforced by the state, you say?’
‘Ah!’ Septimus said, suddenly warming to the idea.
‘Indeed, sir. And we have also included a few contingency plans as well. If I may?’
Squintingus unrolled the scroll once more and pointed to a paragraph about half way down.
‘You plan to invent another religion for the sole purpose of countering this …this Religion of Salvation?’
‘Yes, sir. It will be codenamed I Slam. The belief being that a little opposition will help with the expansion of the original religion. In case they get sloppy. Adds a little spice to the pot, you see, sir?’
Septimus sat back and rested his chin in his hand.
‘Hmmm,’ he mused. ‘Well it might work. This lot is ripe for a Mess, or whatever they call it?’
‘Messiah, I think you will find is the term, sir.’
‘Whatever. And you say you have all the relevant documents and personnel in place?’
‘Yes, sir. Everything is ready to roll. We believe we could conquer most of the known world within a few hundred years.’
‘Well, fair enough. I’ll give you twelve months to get it off the ground. But I’m telling you, if it backfires it’s your arse that will be on the lion’s feeding bowl, do you understand?’
‘Yes, sir,’ Squintingus smiled.
‘But I think you should scrap the bit about walking on water and coming back from the dead. This lot might be a bit fanatical when it comes to their religion but no one in their right mind would believe crap like that, I’m telling you.’
‘Maybe, sir. We shall see.’